User:Tibo

Before we get started I would like to warn that any and all material may be considered horribly, horribly inappropriate and/or not safe for anywhere.

I am not Stephen King, although I would say his books are only slightly less unique then mine.

Tibo, the Early Years

Early in his life in Egypt, Tibo was a noob like many others. It wasn't until he figured out the very useful skill of clicking on one self that he really took off. After that, it was mostly downhill until he met some great people in the land of Egypt. But my agent says I can't tell you that story so I suppose your going to have to settle for things of deep and/or humorous nature.

Tibo's Agent

My agent told me I should let the world know about her greatness. I think most of us know Philly, and if you don't well that's no excuse, go meet her. She is a wonderful person and a great... agent. Okay so she hasn't been able to get me a paying gig yet. And it's been years. I just recently doubled her salary too. She says that I'm a hard act to place. That there are no venues out there for me. Honestly, I think she is just embarrassed by me. I mean, come on people would like me, wouldn't they? Sure I might be humorous one minute and then write a lament the next.. but that's not hard to place is it? Is it? Oh, Philly your right... we need to talk about your salary again...

Humor

Humor is a double edged sword, on one hand some people think your funny... on the other some people think your not, and even might want to harm you. So I implore you, read with an open mind, an open heart, and gods darn it just be happy your alive to read my works. Oh... did I mention that I'm arrogant?

Glamazon.com Presents...

My (Other) Brain Behind the Wheel: Confessions of a Boyfriend

In this novel Mr. Frank Cartwright goes into his many misadventure with the oppisite sex. It's an attractive, humorous look at relationships that won't just won't pan out the way he wants. Here's a few excerpts:

From Chapter Six: Naomi; "Here we are again, it's the tenth day in a row with the commitment talk. Tell me this, tell me that. Why does she want to know anything? Just get with the taking off the clothes. God, do you really need to know my name?"

From Chapter Eleven: Julia; "I met Julia at church, she was a great girl. Beautiful face, great body, kinda a Jesus freak though. She always wore these black and white robes, never really understood why. Came off pretty fast though."

From Chapter Twenty: Wendy; "Now Wendy, I really loved Wendy, she understood me. We shared all the same interests: hiking, swimming, polo, watching baseball. It was all great, too good to be true. You know we were so alike we even had the same size adam's apple, I always thought that was great."

From Chapter Fifty-Five: Jennifer # 6; "Jenicoster, my pet name for her, was supposed to be a one night stand but her bed was one of those Sleep Numbers one and I just could not get up it was so relaxing."

You'll enjoy all those chapters and seventy more! This book is for anyone who has had even one relationship or more, you'll get a kick out of the crazy situations Frank gets into. And remember you can enjoy Mr. Cartwright's other books as well: STDs and Me, How to get into and out of a Three-way, and Outlook Express for Dummies.

Hobbit'B'Gone

I bring to you today, something unique, fantastic even! Has going to the Shire been driving you mad? Have pesky Hobbits been getting on your last nerve?! Has the Took family screwed up your pipeweed order for the elentyith time in a row? Well now we have the solution for you! Tibo's Practical Products proudly present: Hobbit-B-Gone®! Yes that's right, Hobbit-B-Gone®. What does Hobbit-B-Gone® do exactly? Well I'm glad you asked! With one simple spray of this miraculous serum any Hobbit of any size will be instantly disintegrated! Yes that's right, disintegrated! No more dreading the Shire! No more pesky Hobbits, and of course no more pipeweed screw ups! I'm sorry what was the question? Isn't that murder? Ohh heaven's no, under Section 12 Paragraph 37 Line 54 Letter 23 of the Sentient Species Act of 3E2734 its clearly states Hobbits are not a sentient species of Middle Earth. I know, I didn't know that either! So to sum it up buy Hobbit-B-Gone® for all your Hobbit needs! From the makers of Gnome-B-Gone® and Ewok-B-Gone®.

Disclaimer: Tibo's Practical Products does not endorse this message or any disintegrating of those dirty, sneaky, filthy Hobbits.

Seven things I have learned through personal Experience

• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.
• I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
• I do not lie... I willfully participate in a campaign of misinformation.

Deep Stuff

If you are a man, this section is not for you. In fact it really shouldn't be here... us men never have feelings nor do we express them. So I ask you men, look away. Women, hello! Please read everything here, it's great!

Ode to the Vigil

A tale in the desert is only so sweet
As the cactus sap you suffer to eat
We lit a fire to please our gods
But what shall they want, we were at odds
A crash of thunder, a spark of light
We all then did look up in fright
Isis, Ra, Osiris all there
It was only then we began to fear
No wrath did come, only feelings of joy
The gods wanted goods, and us to employ
We took off as fast as our feet hit ground
To get all the goods we had gathered and found
Silt, lime, charcoal and more
Carrots, bricks, and cut stones galore
We needed fish and needed them fast
We sent out twenty souls to catch and cast
They asked for a jewel as blue as the sky
A sapphire we had and would not deny
Our stores were vast and we were getting lax
Who knew the gods would ask for rotten flax
A crisis averted, the gods still unsated
We offered up Tibo, and they were elated
Faster and faster their demands came
It would seem this was no longer a game
Demands came with dire, they needed more ore
Nobody even wondered what they needed it for
Avast a diamond we just couldn't find
And the gods no longer paid us any mind
In the end the Vigil lasted for days
And the gods did finally give us our praise.

Wide Awake

Lingering on til daylight breaks
A tired mind in an endless daze
Look through the shadow your eyes see
Knowing rest will never conquer thee
Another hour won't do you in
Cricket's cherps just make you grin
Sunset, sunrise these don't mean a thing
To a man with no rest, no care, no ring
Time means nothing in your state
Morning, night to you all great
Stay up late, your mind don't care
Never rest, caress your fear
Eyes are strained, your fingers ache
Your voice is choked, your wide awake
You feel nothing, you feel all
You can not rest, you can not stall
Turbulence in your mind's eye
You see yourself, watching you die
Twenty four hours, seven days a week
For with no rest it all looks bleak.